currently looking for answers to move on and learn to love myself again. Looking for understanding, in my current fallen relationship. Is he gay, does he really love me, is he using me, does he know what he really wants but becuase of how he was raised, he is scared to come out of the closet, Is it just a porn addiction, why is he looking up interracial gay porn and shemale porn, why is he paying for two men dress as women to have sex on the computer for him, why does he get mad when I try to love on him, why wont he just let me be his freind if this is the case? why why why... I need to get out, but I'm scaried. I have lost my mind, self- estem. I need me back, and I know I have to leave. trying to move on.  

I have been in and out of my current relationship for 6 years now. we split up for a year, and I was happy again finally after 6 months of mourning him, and then he walked back into my life a couple years ago, we took up where we had left off, moved in together and both said it was meant to be because after so long apart, we both still loved each other. He was always on the road working, I got used to it, I was nearly used it before we split up the last time. It was okay. if he didn't call for three days i trusted him, he didn't have a high sex drive like me anyway. But I was faithful to him regardless of my sex drive, I just did without. I am a cute person, I have the blond hair blue eyes, petite person, and everyone tells me, your cute and should never have to worry about finding a guy, you can do better than him. I know this, at least I know I'm not ugly.. So why do i feel so depressed about myself. Last year he came running home from off the road, said he wanted nothing more but to be with his family (me), I was shocked, all these years I had finally accepted this life of his and now he wanted something different. I was not sure about this new man he was becoming but i liked it. My whole world changed a month after he came home, he was gone all night one night, out to a strip club, I started looking at things i had never had a reason to, like his credit card statements, it was all over it, porn and more porn sites. we have been going thru this for a year now, he can't or won't stop looking at it, I kept making excuses for him, bought books to help him with sex addiction, even though i never thought he had a sex addiction. He didn't like sex much, he hated me trying to come on to him, and If I waited for him to come on to me, I may be waiting for a month. Sometimes he liked just sitting with me, i didn't mind it, i need TLC too. At one point we moved into separate rooms, just to be friends, after all I had quit my job just as he had come home from the road and had no place to go and felt stuck. He had told me he was coming home to leave me because of that job, my job was high stress, and I could handle it, so i quit.

He sold all his stuff from the road, he said it was for me. but later i found he had charged so much porn to his credit card, he needed to get rid of some bills. I thought at one point, that he was gay, and that was why he was watching porn, so he could watch the guys and no one think bad of him because all guys like porn, or most do at some point in their life right? I had never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, I knew he went, but he started taking it to far, I thought he was cheated or wanted to cheat. Once I asked him (after a big fight when he started opening up) “if he liked guys”, I could swear he had told me yes, I felt sorry for him, he was trying to hard to be normal, like his family wanted, and he cared about me, so he was trying to do the right thing, that night he told me he was leaving town, “somewhere far away”. I told him “you don't have to run, I’ll still be your friend, I'll be here for you.” I still loved him and cared for him, and he needed his friends, i felt he opened up to me, i always though there was something deeper inside him he wanted to share. That night I felt like he was finally getting there. The next day reality hit me hard. I was going to be alone, by myself, i didn't have a job, and no where to go. Suddenly, he kept wanting to go to the store, I got paranoid, I thought he already has a guy and he is going to see him. I went driving looking for someone I wanted to talk to this person, why, what the hell was i doing, I wanted him to be happy, even with someone else but here i was doing this. I went home and he was still there, i cried my eyes out I felt so sorry for myself not for him, for myself, i wanted to die, kill myself, i didn't want to live without him, and I wasn't happy with him. he found me with a knife, i had been sitting there for a hour, i wasn't going to do it, i wasn't brave enough, and that made me mad at myself because I couldn't. He told me i misunderstood, he just liked to look at guys with girls, he didn't know why, I thought i was crazy. I didn't believe him, I knew what he had said. I felt even crazier now. I kept saying “no that wasn't what you said” . he said the question "i asked was do you like to look at guys", and he replied “yes”. but I know or believe I said "do you like guys". and he had told me “yes”, and I asked for how long had he felt this way and he told me all his life. After he told me that was when I climbed up in his lap, and told him “I was there for him, and i was sorry for pushing him so far to open up and talk about feelings”. That night I did feel like he was my closest friend, someone who would share something like that with you, when they have told no one else. I felt so bad for him, this big strong man, who I had thought may have low testosterone but never would I have thought this, I thought he had gayaphobia. I couldn' t even watch will and grace with him asking me to change the channel, he didn't like that show. But, my selfishness took over the next day. I think if he would have just let me get through it and reach my peak of sadness, I could have gotten past it and he could have had a friend that finally "knew his secret", but instead he got scared, told me it was all a lie, that it wasn't true, he didn't say what I thought he said. Maybe he thought I was going to out him in my crazyness. I felt crazy for a while after that I had been in morning for our relationship and now I had it again, He didn't realize i had needed to reach that peak, to cry to feel sorry for myself, so i could move on, after that i didn't know what to believe, he suddenly changed, he was trying  to make it work again, he said he maybe he had porn addiction, and he had thought about going to church, he even went to church with me once. later he told me he could stop anytime, he just didn't want to because I was trying to control him by asking him to stop. I tried to explain, it made me feel bad about myself, like i wasn't good enough, he couldn't get it. we almost broke up a few times but he wouldn't leave, said this was his home too. before these few times, and after we had moved into separate rooms, someone close to me went into the hospital died, and I was going thru both of the emotions at once, he was finally there for me in the middle of it, and i let him have control of me again, i let him tell me what i needed to do, because i was so tired from nights at the hospital i needed someone to lean on, but I did not ask for anymore than that, just a friend, and i was trying to be a good friend in case that was all he wanted from me. After a couple months of being friends again, which was feeling good to me, I had my security of someone there but not in a relationship, he started to pooping my butt as I walked past, or he would brush past me, i told him no, and said we can't do that. finally one day he just hug me to tight for to long and i pulled away, and told I told him had to stop that, we were friends and he was killing me, he told me i was killing him. I thought maybe he realized what he wanted, slowly over time, he asked to move back into the room with me, I was scared but after a week I said “yes”, and we were fine for a month, then we would fight about porn again, and then we would be fine, finally i start to have enough a few months ago of back and forth, I started planning to leave, I set a date for the week of Aug 15, I would have a job and move out, and then i could go through all my emotions without him. but, it was like he knew, I had set a appt. with a consular for us, I told him it was either for "how to have a good breakup, or what we needed to work on", he showed up, after he said he wouldn't go, I was relieved that he went, it showed he really did care. Some part of me told me this was the end, time to move on, I never mentioned the gay porn, or she-males web videos, to the therapist , i just summed it up to "porn" so i got to talk about it without "outing him" if that was the case. I felt him somewhat half relax when he knew I wasn't going to say the word “gay” even though he never relaxed, but neither did I. I thought as the session ended, we where breaking up, as the consular said " well I can tell you wont be back because I can tell him doesn't want to be here and he still won't say if he can't stop the porn or won't stop the porn". after we left my boyfriend never spoke he went straight to his car and I to mine. I thought was going to walk in at home to him packing, but i get home and he kisses me and said it had help him to understand what i had been feeling, and that he really didn't mind going but “he wasn't going to say he was going again, but he wouldn't said he wouldn't go again”. He said he wasn't going to watch porn anymore, that I was more important. I was shocked to say the least, but I thought "we'll see". during that month I had saw my own therapist and I had been told to read the book "codependency no more" and it would help me, i couldn't find the book so I read " the new codependency", when we went to see the therapist together, he also said i needed the book, I told him I already knew I had a codependency problem and was currently reading the book and working on myself", bill (lets give him a play name) told me that week, the therapist probably thinks we are nuts you know, because when we explained that "she wants to have sex to much", the therapist looked and said " do you know how many guys would love to hear their woman say they wanted that, a lot of them". He told me “our problems didn't seem so bad, we just need to start acting right”. This past July was the safest time of this whole year, i had asked the therapist if it was wrong of me to check up on him so much, and i knew it was his private time but felt like he wasn't telling me the truth so i went looking for it myself, and the therapist told me he thought it was understandable that I would be looking because of feeling insecure and the lying he had done. I looked a couple times to see what he was looking at, I never found anything this July, I soon found I looked less each time and after a couple weeks I wasn't looking at all, I could tell he wasn't looking at it, he wasn't acting strange, sneaky or like he was hiding anything, I felt secure. I thanked him for this at least 5 times this past month and told him how much better I felt because of it “but that is the only thing, I'll ask you for and I'm sorry if it makes you feel controlled but it is what I need to feel safe and secure”.I did everything that i thought would make him happy, because I was happy. He was finally giving me what I needed most- Safety and honestly, trust. Until this past week, Last Sunday, i realized i had dove it pretty deep into his genealogy, it gave me a detraction that i needed from checking up on him (not that I felt I needed one anymore), I had stayed up pretty late a couple nights working on it and that Sunday night wanted to express my love and thanks too him he was laying in bed flipping channels, when i came in he turned off the TV and rolled over, as i asked for more than some "us time" he got mad, said I always did this when he was trying to sleep, but he hadn't been sleeping, i rolled over said something smart about always tired and never wanted me and went to sleep, when i got up with him the next morning, he started telling me, this was wrong, that was wrong, My coffee cup was in the wrong place, can you move it, and don't fix me a lunch anymore. Little things and thing I only did because he wanted and ask me to do. I said OK, I didn't understand why, he was so upset. it had to be my smart comment the night before, but I had felt rejected yet again and he was the one that kept starting this relationship back up. That evening when he came home, he started yelling at me, how things where going to be from now on, if he saw any genealogy ever again it wound be to soon, which hurt because the week before, he was proud of me of what i had done so far, which is probably why I had worked so hard on it, because he was "proud" of me. Of course, i would work harder on it I needed his approval (see the codependency in me). He told me if he saw another computer in this house, he was going to throw it in the river. I had not been on my computer until this past week, I watch him this whole past month play fantasy sports and finally decided that it should be okay for me to play on it because he had been more than me, so it should not bother him. After all, i never looked at anything wrong, everything I did was either working on pictures or doing something productive. As he told me all of this that evening, he told me I had had a chip in my shoulder all month. All month, I was shocked, I knew I hadn't, and then it hit me, was this really about me messing up or was he messing up. I asked him if this had anything to do with anything else from the past, (i didn't want to say it out loud) he told me "no", he hadn't done anything wrong and he didn't like being accused, I told him I wasn't accusing him, I was asking and I believed him when he told me he didn't. I cried for two hours after that, i couldn't believe he thought I hadn't been trying, that I had a chip on my shoulder, all I had thought i didn't wrong was stay up a couple night to late working on something for him. About 8 o'clock he came to bed, he had been fussing about bedtime being at 9 o’clock and here i was writing about my feeling in my book and crying and him lays down next to me, and starts snoring, how could he fall asleep to me crying. It hit me so hard all at once (I started to have a panic attack and I didn't know it), he didn't care about me, he didn't love me, he loved being love by me, it hadn't been loving me back at all, hardly at all, I had giving so much, I had nearly giving up my own life because I wasn't getting anything back, and I didn't have anything else to give in the past. I got mad (good for me), I started packing and i told him I wasn't putting up with this anymore, he was always blaming me for everything, no wonder I felt bad about myself, I took it and said I was sorry every time, he was always telling me how my ideas weren’t great, I could do better, I always felt I wasn't good enough for him, he said the jobs I had had was not good jobs i needed to quit, the people i like to talked to i should be talking to, the things I wanted to do wasn't proper for a woman in a relationship, all these things he said i believed, and until now, I never thought he had been anything but good to me, and he had been killing me softly. I had nothing left, no one, I felt totally alone except for him, no wonder i needed him so much, no wonder i felt so bad about myself. I left and when to my moms, when i got there, i realized he was going back to the porn, I would look, check up on him, I had needed to get away from the feeling of self hatred so i would go back to the bottom less pit i had once felt, and it worked, i felt better just by walking out. the next day, i realized i missed home,I went home checked for porn and there it was, he didn't wait until i was out of the drive way, and it was the first thing he done when he got up,  i called and said I was going home and I didn't want him there. he fussed with me about it forever, i let him stay a few hours, and we both calm down, and asked him again to please leave i was tired of fighting, and i had nothing left inside. He did, and I am currently looking for a job, he has agreed to pay the rent next month, but I need to figure out the rest, I know He would come home if I asked, I can' ask, I know this relation is not good for either one of us. He is using me to feel normal and I want finally say, I didn't give up and we made it through the hard times. I had been married twice and have wondered did i give up to soon on those. The first marriage was to my high school sweetheart, and I married to young, the second to a guy i worked with. I had always been in a relationship, I had only had about 6 month in between before I was in a new one, i had never tried the consoling so I tired it this time, I thought if i hung in this time it would get better, it hasn't. It didn't help that he would throw it, one day you will be my wife, and when we where splitting he would say "and I was just about to buy you a ring". he knew how much I wanted to "get it right" this time and he played on that. I don’t know if he is gay, and needs to come out, and needs a friend, I don't know if I made him feel like he couldn't leave me, or I would hurt myself, or if he was scared to be alone himself and wanted me here so he could say he had someone. I don't know a lot, but I do know that have got to stop thinking about what he wants and needs and start thinking about what I want and need. I realize I have spent so much time, trying to make him happy, do everything he asked of me, and tired to think of him feelings so much that I don't know anything about myself anymore. For the first time in a long time, I have started to think about my future and not our future. It could be the new anti depression medicine at the doctor put me on last week is kicking in, but when i got mad the other night, I stop thinking about his feeling, for two days I felt nothing, which felt great, I didn't want to feel anything, i didn’t want to feel sorry for him, to think about his feeling, so feel sorry for myself, I just wanted to do, do what i need to just out.

Currently under construction... to be continued....